the door closed...

The door on the Navy was closed fairly soon after Joe went to bootcamp so we will be opening another one!
We will be moving to California. Joe started a new job this past Monday at a place called techmaster. He will be calibrating equipment. He will be staying with his parents until he can save some $ to get an apartment for our littel family. There's just not enough room for us all to stay at his parents' place.
As soon as we get there, I will be looking for a job. I am nervous because I haven't worked outside the home since I was pregnant with our first daughter 4 years ago. I am really hoping to get a job at a coffeeshop..or a daycare sounds like I would like it too. We'll see what happens I suppose.

Claire is doing wonderfully. she's a little stinker thats for sure! She likes to ' push my buttons' to see how long it will take before she gets in trouble so thats been a little trying on my patience and my heart because a lot of the time I just want to let it slide but I know thats not doing either one of us any favors.

Being a single parent for a few weeks is rough! I have to pack everything up all by myself too and keep a 2 year old under wraps at the same time..sounds tiring really

it has begun

Joe left for bootcamp the other day. His recruiter called him on Tuesday morning at 10am and said 'hey, I'm in the parking lot. its time to go.' Joe was supposed to meet his recruiter at 11:30..he wasn't ready to go. I wasn't ready for him to go. I don't think I would have ever been ready though.

He went there with a cold too..ugh!

Last night, Claire was running around chasing the cat. He ran into a wire and got his foot caught in it. She was trying to help him, he kept biting her. At the same time, supper was cooking. It was really a trying time to for me.

He called me late last night and said he got there and that I will hear from him in a few weeks. I'm so excited!!!

I might be going to see family in a few weeks. All depends on the financial situation. I have to save up a few hundred to go see Joe graduate. I'm nervous about that because I might have to fly with Claire all by my lonesome. Crap!

When he gradutes in June he will go to Fl for A school. Then we will most likely be stationed somewhere.

This whole experience is overwhelming/nerve wracking/ excited/ and happy/sad thus far!

new beginnings

Joe leaves for Navy boot camp next Wednesday! I am nervous and anxious and excited all rolled into one. I am excited to start this new journey of our lives but scared to be alone. I hate that Joe will have to even go to boot camp. Makes total sense though. A person cannot just "know" the things they want you to learn unfortunately.

I will have my family to help me take care of Claire this summer. I'm hoping we won't get on each other's nerves too awful bad ;)

Claire has become more attached to daddy. We think she knows whats going on. Recently, he dropped us off somewhere and she bawled and screamed when he left. The girl knows whats up and its heartbreaking to this momma

We went to Moberly this weekend to visit before our lives officially change forever. We went to the dog park with our friends' dog. Claire really liked every minute of it! We got a chance to visit the church we attended and see some people we won't see for awhile.

I recently read on facebook about someone's husband being honorably discharged from the military because of setbacks and that really makes me nervous. It helps a little to know Joe will have a higher ranking as soon as he goes to bootcamp and if he passes his test in Sept, will go up another ranking.

the hurt and the healer collide

I have been doing an awful lot of thinking about my firstborn as of late. How she would have been 4 years old this coming July. Her daddy will miss being with me on her birthday. He was gone for her second birthday as well. My heart longs to go back in time to when she first arrived. To hold her a little tighter and kiss her a little more and to stroke her straight black hair like her daddy's. I still wonder to this day I was being prompted that something was going to take place..something bad. There were times when I thought "no, not me. nothing bad will happen to my baby." I don't know why any momma who had been told time and time again that her child is healthy would think something like that. I still beat myself up for handing her to the nurse so willingly. In a way, I'm thankful it didn't hurt any more than it did at the time. I had the ignorance to think, as soon as I get out of this hospital and past the funeral, I can just 'get passed this'. I thought it would be like it never happened. But oh I'm glad for the lessons that girl taught me. She made her dad and I stronger, and gave me compassion and empathy that I don't think I would have gotten otherwise. Her little sister is here! I don't think she would be if I had my Ella. I'm not saying I'm glad she died, I'm certainly not, I still hurt and long to see her sweet face. At the same time, I cannot imagine a life without Claire. I know one day it will all be made right again. Then, I have my doubts and think 'really, what can make a momma losing her baby okay?' It's hard to imagine anything taking the pain away. She keeps me holding onto faith though! If I did not have a part of me in Heaven waiting for me, I can't say I'd want to hold on to the faith this tightly. Sometimes a momma will do anything to see her child again. Does it make me a bad person that every once in awhile seeing my baby again makes Heaven seem more appealing? God, forgive me if it does!

Its been impressed upon my heart in the last few weeks...that I complain! A LOT!  I can't be happy either way. I guess its human nature, however, that is NOT an excuse. The Bible tells us to do everything without complaining and in another section, tells us to work as if we are working for the Lord (because ulimately we are HIS servants) and not man.

I think I must have a HUGE issue with believing the Word of God is true. Ultimately, its a pride issue. "They say" money is the root of all evil. I'd venture to say that pride is. Think about it..okay, if money is the root of all evil, you get that money from being prideful thinking, "I earned this. I should be able to spend it the way I want to."

We SAY we have a heart for the poor and those who don't have as much as we do, but do we really if we'd rather keep our possessions to ourselves? I'm preaching to the choir here. As you all know, it is tax season, and we will  a refund coming..we want to pay off debts and splurge a little and save the rest. I say, why not send that splurging money to starving kids or pregnancy centers begging young women not to murder their innocent offspring. Putting feet to your faith is super hard in today's world when we are told those who trust in God are weak and stupid..on the contrary, it takes a lot more faith to believe this world is it for us than to trust the true God.

change

Change is rough! Super rough! I've been trying to make some in my life. Although, I admit, i've not been as serious about it as I want to be. For starters, I want to lose weight. You see, I've been overweight since I was a kid. probably about age 10 is when things went south weight wise for me. So, its become a way of life of sorts. I hate it. I hate looking at my body..its gross. During my pregnancy with Ella, I was given the official word..diabetes. When she was born, they waited a couple months and tested me again..sure enough Type 2. One would think being told that information would be enough to put me on the bandwagon to exercise and good health..nope! The first couple months after Ella died I ate whatever I wanted...I wanted to die..to be with my daughter. Then I got counseling. I was wisely told, to take walks. I did. 3 times a day to clear my head. I noticed the inches coming off but don't think I cared that much..my daughter was still gone from me.

Now, I try to watch my diet. I don't always do well. at all! Its very hard for me to accept I am different. Yes, I'm only 26 but this is the card i've been dealt so I must play it. rough..

I want to practice more Godly attributes, namely the fruits of the spirit in Galatians 5-peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness and self-control


Joe is still working 2 jobs and is busy as ever!  He will leave for the military soon. I am NOT looking forward to the time we will be away from each other. Claire is doing wonderfully. We've even started to help her fall asleep in her crib instead of my arms..its a slow process but gives me a chance to work on being gentle and patient! I start classes again monday! I hope they go well. My gpa turned out to be A LOT better than I expected

until next time, thats my life in a nutshell

living with the 'mundane'

I'd venture to say I've been in a rut for quite awhile actually. You may have read about me talking about this rut, I don't remember if I've told you about it or not yet. I knew that before I had children, I would want to be at home with them. Now that I have a child here with me, I am doing what I always thought I'd do-staying home with her. I love her. However, its the same thing day in and day out..as "they" say "the same crap just a different day". I have to remind myself before I had Claire, I wanted this SOO bad and now that I have it, the grass seems greenier on the other side (ie having a job, going places during the day)

Why is it human nature to be this way? Am I the only one to feel this way?

 Since Joe's in the Navy now, I'm sure we will be living in lots of different places around the nation (navy gets mostly coast places.) I talked with an airforce wife today. She told me military does have a lot of stuff to offer for families. Its important to maintain structure for our children. Even though we might be moving around a lot and dad might not be home, I want them to feel some sort of normalcy. If there is someone who is part of a military family who has advice, please give me your imput.